I expect friends to let me down so I play the victim. How can I stop?

You describe expecting people to disappoint you: making plans assuming friends will back out, then playing the let-down friend in your head. You downplay invitations with lines like “Oh, it’s nothing fun” or “Don’t worry if you can’t come,” even though you know you would enjoy it.

You want to stop preemptively treating yourself as unworthy of others’ time and to move through those moments with more compassion. Psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse and columnist Annalisa Barbieri praised your insight, saying that noticing these relational patterns is an important first step.

Abse points out that friendships need two basic ingredients—confidence and a feeling of safety—and without them emotional intimacy and clear communication become difficult. Abse suggests this mindset may be a default learned in childhood: repeated let-downs from parents or siblings can teach you to expect disappointment, or even to believe you deserve it.

friendships, disappointment, playing victim, self-worth, invitations, emotional intimacy, confidence, safety, childhood patterns, susanna abse