In my 50s I stopped playing 'treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen'

I was raised on the scripture of the 1990s: Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen. In my 20s it felt like power; in better light it was mostly fear. I mastered breezy indifference, timing texts to the minute and convincing myself I was teaching men my value. I am 51 now, and looking back on that first year of dating after divorce at 50—the apps, the profiles, the quiet violence of being matched and discarded by an algorithm—I realise I wasn’t training anyone.

I was hiding. There is a humiliation in midlife dating: the dissonance between who we are and who we become the moment a man with a nice jawline delivers the modern cruelty of the read receipt. In real life I am capable: I have interviewed politicians for the BBC, managed budgets and navigated the death of parents and the collapse of a marriage.

Yet a “maybe” from an app can make me regress; I stare at my phone, debate the semiotics of an emoji with a friend and analyse the silence like Kremlinologists.

United Kingdom

midlife dating, dating apps, divorce, 50s, profiles, algorithm, read receipt, emoji, bbc, politicians