Therapist: Missing thank-you notes may reflect a deeper desire for connection

Ask the Therapist columnist Lori Gottlieb responded to a reader who is troubled that two of their grandchildren, both boys and in or nearing their teenage years, never send thank-you notes or gifts while the other two grandchildren do. The reader said two grandchildren from their son and daughter-in-law give handmade greeting cards and handwritten thank-you notes each Christmas, while the two boys from their daughter give no gifts and never write thank-you cards.

The reader raised the issue with their daughter and received no response, and even suggested the boys give cards promising 30 minutes of picking up sticks in the yard. The reader described the behavior as a lack of moral character, poor ethics and manners. Gottlieb framed the complaint as a cover for hurt and a yearning to be seen, saying gifts often carry emotional significance in which both giver and receiver seek recognition — essentially asking, "Do I matter?" She noted children take cues from their parents and suggested the lack of acknowledgment may have more to do with the daughter than with the boys.

Gottlieb advised separating hurt from judgments about character, clarifying whether the reader wants thank-you notes or a stronger relationship, and approaching the daughter with curiosity rather than complaints. She cautioned that forcing gratitude is unlikely to produce genuine appreciation and suggested investing in the family relationship through presence and shared interest so manners arise from connection.

Key Topics

Health, Lori Gottlieb, Thank-you Notes, Gift Giving, Parenting, Teenagers