Daughter says mother with Alzheimer’s revealed that her father was gay

Brett Paesel writes that, decades into her adulthood and while her mother was developing Alzheimer’s, her mother startled her by saying, “And you already know, of course, that your father is gay,” and later that “Your father told me he was gay before we got married.” Paesel says her mother, whose dementia made nuance difficult, gave only the bare outline of a story: her father told her he was gay before they married; she surprised him by wanting to marry him anyway; he asked for Friday nights to himself; and she asked her daughter not to speak of it until he was dead.

Paesel says she did not tell him and did not make the matter public until after both parents had died. The essay recounts details the author and her siblings had long noticed—her father’s solitary trips, periods of silence, heavy drinking, flamboyant dress, love of opera and certain hangouts—and situates those alongside family history, including the author’s assertion that the father had been beaten by his own father, Julius.

Paesel frames the marriage as one of loyalty and sacrifice: when asked near death whether he wanted to prolong his life the father reportedly said, “I have had a long and interesting life. I got more than I deserved out of the deal,” and he “let go.” Paesel says she and her brothers have recently tried to reassemble their family’s story through this new lens.

Key Topics

Culture, Brett Paesel, Paesel's Father, Alzheimer's Disease, Julius, Marriage