Reader asks how to respond when older relatives give blunt, hurtful advice

A reader wrote to Social Q’s saying two older relatives made painfully blunt comments to younger family members: a grandparent told a young grandchild to lose weight, and an uncle told a nephew that he talks too much. The reader said the younger relatives were hurt and that they did not want to get caught in the middle, though they also felt the criticisms had some truth to them.

The columnist praised the reader for being someone the younger relatives could turn to and for staying out of direct intervention. The column warned that encouraging triangulation — asking older third parties to intercede on behalf of the young adults — would not help, and suggested that the reader’s first role is to offer compassion and support to those who were hurt.

The columnist noted it was unclear from the letter how the reader had responded and urged the reader, if they had not already, to reach back to the young relatives to acknowledge their feelings. For example, the column suggested saying something like, "I've been thinking about that comment your grandparent made," and apologizing that they were hurt, before helping them address the source of the criticism.

Key Topics

Culture, Unsolicited Advice, Family Dynamics, Grandparent, Uncle, Young Adults