Reframe self-worth by imagining how you’ll be missed

A reader told the Guardian they keep waiting to feel finally enough despite achievements and asks how to stop living like this. They said they are changing careers to be more of service to others, have gone to therapy, go to the gym, eat well and have built things they’re proud of, but every success brings only a fleeting burst of pride.

The reader also described ongoing body shame: training and eating well have not removed a persistent sense of failing an invisible test, and compliments do not land. They can name the problem—shame and a need for external validation—but saying it aloud has not made it go away.

Eleanor says many New Year efforts aim to prove worth through physical signs of discipline and achievement, and that strategy often feels like pouring evidence into a sieve. She suggests a different perspective: acknowledging mortality to clarify what truly matters. Asking what you would want said at your funeral, or what loved ones would miss, highlights qualities that are idiosyncratic to you rather than adherence to universal standards about fitness or appearance.

She adds that measuring worth by short timelines and ticking boxes does not build lasting self-esteem and that looking through the eyes of those closest to you can give a truer sense of why you are worthy. Eleanor says this way of thinking could help build self-worth that actually belongs to you. The letter has been edited for clarity and length.

Key Topics

Health, Self-worth, Self-esteem, Body Image, Therapy, Mortality